Relationships are a funny thing. Whether it be a significant other, a parent, sibling, child, cousin, niece, nephew, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, etc. each relationship comes with baggage, shared history, preconceived notions, etc. etc. And just like people, they all look different.
I can't remember how old I was when I realized "love with expectation" didn't work for me. By that, I mean "I will love you, if...." If anything, this made me less likely to WANT to be loved by that person. The next realization was that there were some people that I loved more than they loved me. Ouch. Or maybe it was the recognition that love is cyclical, ebbing and flowing for each of us; and I was on the receiving line of "ebbing". That might be it, too. When I was younger, I might have retaliated (also know as cutting your nose off to spite your face). Now, I just
make informed decisions.
When Madison was little, we had this word play: Mom-I love you. Madi-I love you, too. Mom-I love you more than crummy old that. Whoever says the next line first: Infinity and beyond..done, "wins". Either one of us could start, but the winner obviously loved more. We also communicate our love via a series of hand squeezes (I started this with Megan and used the "code" with all the girls).
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| Gift from Terry-common theme! |
When Madison was little, we had this word play: Mom-I love you. Madi-I love you, too. Mom-I love you more than crummy old that. Whoever says the next line first: Infinity and beyond..done, "wins". Either one of us could start, but the winner obviously loved more. We also communicate our love via a series of hand squeezes (I started this with Megan and used the "code" with all the girls).
If I believe I am in the "Love More" category, then I need to decide how to show that love. This is tricky. I have reached the point where if I am currently loving someone "more", I have to decide what I need to do for me, so I can continue to love and enjoy that person.
That might mean I go see them, regardless of how many times they come to see me. I call them even though they rarely reach out to me. I quit keeping score and just do what I need to. This allows my love for them to continue (maybe even grow), without any expectation of return. Because this is what I need to do to be happy and keep them in my life. (And you can love someone without liking them - but that is a whole other Oprah.)
Unfortunately, I know of other relationships where the opposite is true. Somber Sue may love more than Jaded John will ever return, (son, brother, parents) so Sally's plan now involves calling less, visiting next to never, only acknowledging birthdays and Christmas (with a card). And guess what, the end result is Sally is angry and sad. Angry because she can't make John respond as she "wishes" and ultimately sad because now she has less than she did before. Meanwhile, John Doe is oblivious to any of this.
What is wrong with this picture? All that Sally has done is to emulate John's behavior. Remember, John did not seem to need the relationship as much as Sally (at least at this time), Who is Sally hurting?
I don't know a lot but this is what I do know - we have a choice. We can't choose for anyone else. I choose to love....regardless (unless you fall in the "conditional" category, and then I will cut you off like a gangrene arm.)
Until next time,
#notthescorekeeper
your pal,
Kari
I don't know a lot but this is what I do know - we have a choice. We can't choose for anyone else. I choose to love....regardless (unless you fall in the "conditional" category, and then I will cut you off like a gangrene arm.)
Until next time,
#notthescorekeeper
your pal,
Kari
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