Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Why it doesn't work

Or not.  Your choice!
All my life I have been told "treat others as you wish to be treated".  As a child, I was certain this was the magic formula that would transform relationships.  It seems so simple.

But it doesn't (always) work. Surely I can't be the first person to have discovered this phenomena.  And once we know this as a cold, hard fact, why do we keep trying?

I do know the answer to that.  It's because we never lose hope.  We believe that our behavior makes a difference...maybe not in how we are treated, but at a minimum, in how we view ourselves.



In my past life, I had a boss who was always very abrupt and to many, seemed either always angry or just unfriendly.  It was neither, though not everyone figured this out about her.  It became most apparent to me during a conversation where she was quite short and abrupt....so rude (at least it sounded that way to me).  I decided to respond in kind so she could hear how she sounded.  Well.  All she heard was how I sounded.   And she was not shy in commenting about it.   #clueless

But I felt very uncomfortable speaking to her in the tone and manner that I did.  Granted, it was just an experiment, but I took no pride or pleasure in behaving this way.  It was very uncomfortable for me and as it turned out, my only of success was that I knew without a doubt that the behavior I was portraying was not natural to me.

I was discussing this with my sister (Katy) recently and she said "I hate that you can't make people be thoughtful".  So true.  At times, people seem to hurt us the most when they don't even know they are hurting us at all. 

I try to be mindful of this, knowing I could be guilty of doing the same thing to others.  I continue to hold myself accountable for how I speak to others.  If I find myself rethinking a conversation and not liking how I sounded, I will follow up with an apology.  This is the only way to "make it right" (at least for me).  And I don't mean a backhanded "sorry" but a full accounting of why I am apologizing.

And Madison reminded me of something important the other day.  Instead of focusing on what people did (or didn't) do, I should focus on the ones that DID!  (or DIDN'T).  Another choice - another perspective.

If you ponder this and realize you might fall short in the "treat others" category, take heart.  You can choose to change that...and remember, how we treat others "generally" does not count.  It is very personal to each individual.

Until next time,
#workinprogress
#allthetime

your pal,
Kari


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

What is your end game??


Everything we do in life, we do for a reason.  Whether it is a conscious or sub-conscious thought or action, there is something we want to achieve.  Most of the time, we head in the direction we are going (both literally and figuratively) without acknowledging our end game.

During the week, every morning I get into the car and drive.  My end game is arriving at work (preferably safely and in a timely manner).  I don't give this much thought as I have been doing this for more years than I can count.

When Madison and I get out ingredients to prepare supper or bake one of our delectable treats, we don't have to say out loud what we hope to accomplish.  We already know.

So, what do we need to acknowledge, when we begin arguing with someone?  Have we been asked for an opinion?  Do we want to impact their thought process and/or behavior?  Do we just want to be right?

What is our end game?

This is when we really need to focus on the big picture.  I have an example (of course).  Last night, Mom, Madison and I were taking a walk around the neighborhood.  (think Fit bit step goals).  Our primary purpose was to get some mileage on the clock, but as we walked, we talked about different things.  At one point, Mom pointed out a house that was in disrepair.  She shared what she knew about the house and owner and I countered with what my understanding was.  We both had some common themes (who the owner was) but differed on time and approach.  At this point in the conversation, it could have gone soooo many ways.  Maybe I just wanted to be right.  Maybe she just wanted to be right.  Maybe both of us hoped to influence the other.  We opted for another solution.  We both acknowledged that neither of us had intimate knowledge of what was going on and were simply sharing information.  End of discussion.

WOW!  What a concept.  No one had to continue hammering home their point (we both heard each other the first time and neither of us are (entirely deaf) or stupid.

Then why is it that we (the royal we) fall into the trap of taking a hard stance on any given topic and lose sight of the big picture?  Of how things can escalate and impact immediate relationships and even extended family/friends?  What is our end game?

As we can all recognize, we live in a diverse world.  No one person represents all women, all men, all ethnic backgrounds, all Republicans, all Democrats, all cancer patients, all new mothers.....I could go on forever.

So why then, do we lump people into categories and present our viewpoints as all knowing?  Perhaps the only person with the right answer?  What is our end game?

I saw a response on Face book the other day that went like this...."Anaaaand here in the comments (in their natural habitat) you can see glimpses of the argumentorus attitudimus.  They are known for their instinctual displays of their ability to find any and everything to combat, and overlook everything good and fruitful".  I messaged the author (who I do not know) and told him that I thought this response could be used for just about everything posted these days.

What is my end game with this blog?  I hope that you will ponder this idea.  Recognize the potential for damage.  Decide on the worth.  Where do you fall?  What's your end game?

Until next time,
#weonlyknowwhatweknow

your pal,
Kari

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Wednesday, May 2, 2018

To Infinity...and beyond!!!

Over a year ago, Terry and I made the commitment to up our together time.  One piece of that puzzle included travel.  For many years, we traveled more separately than together, thinking we would take our "together" trips ..."when".  When we had saved more money, when we retired, when the kids were all grown, when we had more time....etc. etc.

While I don't remember any particular illuminating moment when we both said "AHHHHAAA" our focus has definitely shifted.  It was time to pursue life versus waiting on it to just happen!

Over these past several years, we both have experienced the early loss and/or illness of friends and co-workers the same age (or younger) than we are now.  It was the cumulative effect of those life changing events that finally caught our attention.  For some, the pursuit is over.  For others, the pursuit with their spouse...is over.

So we started doing things that before we had only talked about.  And while it seems that our primary focus is on travel, it is really so much more than that.

It's all about US.  Not him, not me..but US, being together intentionally.  And I have to say, I have never been happier.

#decisionequalcircumstance
Most recently we enjoyed a cruise together.  Eight days of margaritas, sand, ocean, sightseeing, people-watching, and more margaritas (which then translated to daily naps).  On our last night on-board, we enjoyed a wonderful steak dinner.  We were at our own table but our neighbors were VERY close.  Unfortunately, after just a few minutes of them being seated, it became apparent that they were not enjoying each other's company as much as we were (NOT EVEN CLOSE).  If they just ate in solitude, that would have been one thing.  But no, they decided to air every disappointment (with each other) and before their main course had been served, the "D" word had been thrown out.  It got very personal.  Wow!




It was at that point I put my hand on Terry's  and said, "I am so thankful".  Of course I am always thankful, (for many things) but at that moment, I was specifically thankful that we have never talked to each other like they were.  That is not to say we have never disagreed, that we have never had an argument, but....even in our most trying situations, we have never disrespected each other like that.

This didn't just happen.  I (we) have also chosen to be accountable.

Every decision we make creates our circumstances.  Too many times, people get confused on this point.  And there were times when we were too.

But now, it's INFINITY AND BEYOND for us!

Until next time,
livingthedream
instead of
dreamingtolive!

your pal,
Kari


Thanks (in) Giving Giving (in) Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving.  Almost considered a designated time of year, we all like to gather as a family in a variety of celebrations  (sometim...

Never a dull moment; Look past the water stains; This is out of order, there is no coincidence